Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
