omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
