I wish they made helmets for livers.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
