we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
