im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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