Michael Bay diarrhea
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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