I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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