DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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