My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
