How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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