Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
