Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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