if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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