There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i think i just lost a toe
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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