Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
