how can u be prego again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
