i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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