I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
