just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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