I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
