I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
