Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
