I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
