i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
