I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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