Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
