I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
