if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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