he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
