Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
