It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
