One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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