just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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