i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
