There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
