I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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