I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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