I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Vodka?
Forever.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
