I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
