please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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