A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
