I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
