a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
