Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
