in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
