i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
