All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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