im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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