she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
