how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
